What to do when you are your own worst enemy?

ive known for a while that i am my worst enemy. my mentally is so warped for some reason. i do not even know why i am so ****** up. i know i have a good life. i have been blessed with a great and loving family. my parents have done everything for me and all ive ever wanted was to make them happy. but i wasnt able to during college. i went from being hs validictorian and the grl who received smartest in almost every cl to someone who became a premed loser. my parents always wanted me to be premed, its basically the indian parents dream. and my parents have done so much for me that i just went along with it. i was on the premed floor in college and all my friends for 4 years were premed. ive always been obssessed for 8 years. i realize thats why my life revolves around. i dont kno why i am so obssessed with it. i never even took the time to do anything else cuz all i wanted to do was to do well in school. so u would think i got straigts in college right ? well no. i got almost a b- in all my premed requirements and my bio cles. i took the hardest cles possible cuz of course i was an idiot and wanted to have so much knowledge for med school. i was never afraid for the challege. i gave up my life for. i barely hang out with my friends. but for some reason no matter how harrd i tried , i wasnt effective whn i studied. my sleep cycle was horrible and i was always tired for cl. also, during college i gained a lot of weight. while ur studying , u tend to want to eat. anyways so i gained lik 50 lbs in my 4 years. i kno a lot right? so basically through those 4 years i was also very subconscious about my weight. all i think bout is my weight and i would aviod old friends, and social events at all cost. and 4get about talking to boys. strangely i even remember guys who showed some interest even whn i basiclaly didnt talk to guys, but still i could deal with it. i was to emabarrased to talk to them cuz all i saw was my fatness and how no guy could even want to be with me. so basically i didnt apply for med school while i was in school cuz hey i kne that i couldnt get in. i applied this year, but i kno i prob wont get in cuz my gpa is 3.34, and science 3.00 prob. way to low. also cuz i always just took hard cles, i never had time to do research and stuff. also i never thought i could get it , so why try? thats another thing bout me, i dont try for things cuz i kno i wont get it. so now i dont kno wht to do with my life. ive lived my life around school, but im a loser. ive been out of school for lik 7 monhs, never even looked for a job. well i guess i was busy. during the summer i restudied for mcats to improve my score. than i was busy wiht apps. than the last 2 months ive just been lazy and feeling like a loser. i am so tired of my life. i dont want to be like this anymore. i know that i have so much in me. i kno i am smart cuz ive done wel lin the past. i kno i could be good looking if i wasnt a big. also, last 2 pieces of the puzzle. i havea really bad relationship with my mom. im not sure why. one cuz shes always critized me since i was little. "ur too fat, too hairy, big lips". also she has always fought with my dad and his family and it really bothers me cuz i expect people to be good and not hurt others. and to me my dad is really nice and does everything for us, so makes me sad that shes mean to him. but in the end i kno shes just taking out her insecurities and frustrations of her life on him. lasty, whn i was in 7th and 8th grade i used to get made fun. i remember that, but i dont know if that affects me still? how do u know? also, my whole exteneded family is really judgemental and look down on my family cuz we are not rich like them. also, the are mean to my mom and it kills me. to those of u who read this or parts of thanks, i know its super long and ur awesome. i kno i prob should see a therpist but no money to do so. im lost. dont have a shot at med school , or do i ? no shot at a happy life, or do i ? please help with any advice, i am very alone.